


Back Again

by Redlair



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chae Hyungwon-centric, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Lee Jooheon/Lee Minhyuk, blonde Hyungwon, blonde Minhyuk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 20:21:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16047869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redlair/pseuds/Redlair
Summary: Where Hyungwon has finally had enough but suddenly, Minhyuk wants him back and he wonders if it's really worth it. Worth all the pain and grief he had suffered feeling second place to others and now he seeks a new perspective of acceptance.





	Back Again

**Author's Note:**

> So I guess I was just really craving for some of their interactions and now that there are so many, I'm overwhelmed. Also, that little time zone where both of them had ice blonde hair while they were on their world tour? Yea, I'm feeling that and therefore mustered some kind of semi-angst.

Music: Niia - All I Need  
-

 

_You never have time for me._

That’s what it feels like when Hyungwon is a couple meters away. The fact that they’re on the opposite sides of their greeting formation or the fact that they barely can connect on shows and too many episodes bothers him. It wasn’t a thing of the past. They had stuck together like glue for the past two years, and this new transition had brought more complicated feelings than necessary.

Maybe at one part, they were never that close to begin with. They knew of each other pre-debut but even when they were together during their trainee days, it was perhaps due to the fact that they came from the same province or that comfort laid best when you were similar. So had three years come and their time together already done? Has it all changed?

Hyungwon had always been comfortable with others. He was at ease with Shownu the two eating out often or with Changkyun who was always a bit more mature for his age. He was nothing like Minhyuk with his random questions of curiosity that possibly bordered on being rude. But that never meant that the younger was a replacement for the other. There are habits and ways that Hyungwon has and only Minhyuk seems to know whether it be when he’s feeling a bit down and what not.

And if Minhyuk had noticed, either he had moved on or he was simply too occupied. To be fair, the other had always craved for attention and when Hyungwon was too tired and done to give any to MInhyuk, there were certainly other members that would comply with Minhyuk’s needs. Kihyun was always there and Jooheon was almost rooted at the other’s side. In a way, it made Hyungwon question his own presence in the other’s life but it seemed that no matter how much he had thought it through, it was obvious that all he was diminished to was a mere childhood friend. They do say that family was one thing but actually similarities or connections was what brought people together. So maybe Hyungwon was never that close to Minhyuk but in a way, were they not there for each other? Quite so, but no.

 

Hyungwon adverts his eyes when he sees Minhyuk being friendly with the other members. There was definitely nothing wrong with an extra hug or the unnecessary extra wipe of tissue across someone’s else’s mouth because Minhyuk was just being himself. All helpful to others because that’s what makes him happy.

 

 

_If you’re happy, I’ll be happy._

 

That’s what Hyungwon had told himself. That’s what he’s been telling himself since day one when he’s made a pact to not only others but to himself. It seemed selfless of himself and now he’s wondering if those lingering thoughts that he has now are the total opposite. Maybe it’s selfish how he wants to have Minhyuk’s attention or that he denying himself of those when he gives the other a cold shoulder because he’s feeling like a puddle of blue and he doesn’t know anymore because the other never quite looks at him anymore. Even when they interact, it feels restricted and not comfortable anymore and Hyungwon wonders if this distance is only from his own doing or that Minhyuk knows this too and is adding to it. So what does Hyungwon do? He sleeps it off.

 

Sleeping could be a hobby. To Hyungwon it was. He could sleep like the dead and he’s sure of that. Waking up in the late afternoon or by dinner was no problem to him. There was no need to eat that much not when he could just be lethargic and stay in bed all day while casually checking his phone every now and then in case others message him. He’s alive. Physically speaking but border lining what it feels like to be dead because Hyungwon wonder’s what it’s like to be mentally dead and he’s probably not too far off when everyone else starts ignoring him once he’s underneath the protection of his covers.

The smell of food does not wake him. He ignores it when Kihyun yells into his ear. He only awakes enough for practice alone and for performances and if Hyungwon notices, he does see his frame shrinking to a slender form than he already is and he wonders if he should work out. Anything to distract him from protruding thoughts and to keep living.

Putting Minhyuk on the back burner has never been easier. Through weeks and months of practice, he almost forgets what the feeling of pain he receives when the other ignores him. Rather now, he feels mutual. The feeling that he gets when he doesn’t need to look at Minhyuk because he knows that the other isn’t finding him either. He’s independent and if other’s noticed, they don’t question it when he exits the dorm himself a couple of weeks at a time.

He doesn’t go on dates nor to the nearest grocery store. He goes to the playground nearby and if he can, he goes to the Han river for a stroll or to the massage place that his family recommends him to go because idol life definitely takes a toll on the body. 5, 6, hours and onwards and it doesn’t feel like anything. The feeling of being alone completes him. Loneliness has become his solace and he wonders if this is what Changkyun feels when the other had just debuted.

 

 

 

Spring comes and it rains. Summer brings high waves of heat and now it’s autumn, the leaves are about to change colours and fall and that’s when suddenly he’s asked to break out of his cycle.

 

9pm on a Saturday night and he’s just chilling in his silk pyjamas about to sleep because it’s late now and Hyungwon can sleep whenever he wants to. The other members aren’t in his bedroom and he turns off the lights, makes sure that the window is open (for some ventilation) and gets ready to climb into his bed. He isn’t able to.

He hears a tap at the door and he gives a “what?” but he doesn’t give a response. The person he least expects to see is there, and Hyungwon almost forgets that he rooms with Jooheon.

“Yea? Coming to check me before I pass out like the dead?”  
Apparently it isn’t time for being funny because Jooheon’s being serious with him and the other doesn’t appear to be too happy either.

“I think you should talk to Minhyuk. Patch things up. I don’t know what, where, and why but all of a sudden, you guys barely talk and it’s affecting all of us. Negative affect and effect, hyung.”

Minhyuk? That topic had escaped his mind so many months ago it seems like years. Hyungwon almost wants to laugh. It’s been this long that the other’s take notice? Or is it too cruel of him now to want it to set this matter aside because Minhyuk doesn’t really matter to him anymore.

 

“What about him should I talk to you about? Or what do you think is there a problem because I really can’t see the problem when we just don’t talk? Even if there was a problem that he has of him, if he doesn’t tell me, I wouldn’t know either.”

Hyungwon knows he’s lying through his teeth and he’s pretty sure that Jooheon knows that as well. But the other seems awfully down and Hyungwon does care enough about his impact on the group so he complies.

“But if Minhyuk ever had a problem, he should have brought it up with me.”  
“You know that’s why I’m here. Please. Minhyuk’s been feeling down and confused.”

 

Hyungwon knows. He knows that Minhyuk is a coward at bringing up sensitive topics but Hyungwon wonders why it’s only him that Minhyuk doesn’t bare to randomly blurb about. Hyungwon knows that Minhyuk doesn’t give a damn when it goes to correcting Kihyun so why not he?

As if Hyungwon wasn’t feeling just as terrible.

 

 

The walk towards Minhyuk’s shared bedroom with the others feels like a total dread. His feet walks heavily but as the same time, he feels his own airway getting more constricted as he’s near the door and the more he thinks about it, it’s such a thing for the other to do to request things to go his way and how every other person would comply. Just like how Hyungwon is right now going over.

The door is open. Hyungwon doesn’t see anyone inside and from the running water from the nearest bathroom by the bedroom, it’s clear that someone’s in the shower and he already knows who it is. It feels like an awful lot of his own time is being wasted because not only does he have to walk over to Minhyuk’s room, he now has to wait. Hyungwon doesn’t know how and where he has the patience to do such a thing right now because honestly, those feelings that he had kept hidden for such a long time in appearing back on the surface and now he’s just getting more upset, confused and pissed by the minute and what the hell, who takes that long in the shower?

He hears the water stop running. He hears someone humming in a soft tune and it’s the melody that he used to hum along with the other when they were just alone. It’s a bit sad and it brings back melancholic memories of some sort. When Minhyuk does come out of the bathroom the other looks at him relieved and sad and maybe in the past it would have affected Hyungwon but now he feels pretty immune to whatever the other pulls on him. He isn’t affected until Minhyuk pulls him into his room and closes the door softly before pulling him onto the other’s bed. Hyungwon pretends that he doesn’t feel butterflies in his stomach because that’s kind of smooth but at the same time, he doesn’t know what to expect. Lee Minhyuk was always unpredictable and this always both interested and irked Hyungwon all the same.

 

He doesn’t say anything. But Hyungwon feels Minhyuk’s longing gaze staring at him as he avoids the eyes of the other because he knows that Minhyuk’s eyes would be all empty and hollow while glistening and it’ll bring out too many emotions from him. Minhyuk’s hands holds onto his own tightly and Hyungwon almost forgets to breathe when the other dives into the crook of his neck and sharp collar bones before resting Minhyuk’s own sharp chin into the gap.

 

“You’re not home lately. We’re all worried about you.” Minhyuk’s fingers turn to combing through Hyungwon’s silver locks and Hyungwon tries not to shiver. For someone who just showered, Minhyuk’s hands are awfully cold.  
“Why? Why does it matter? It never occurred to me that it would worry you...”

 

Hyungwon bites his tongue. Had he been too blunt? Especially you. Minhyuk. He knew those were very hurtful words and as much as he was trying not to care, he cared so much. His opinion of Minhyuk never bothered him but for some reason, he valued the other’s opinion of his so much. He had wanted to hear especially that Minhyuk was worried about him. But no, the other had to say the plural tense and Hyungwon wonders when Minhyuk lost the ability to be a singular person other than attaching onto others as a plural “we,” like the leech he could be.

 

“Hyungwon-  
“Since when did we, even matter anymore?”

 

It catches Minhyuk off guard. For the other, he had always valued the opinions of the members around him and it had never occurred to him that Hyungwon did not consider himself to be part of what Minhyuk mentioned as “ _we_ ,” and _care_.

“And to clarify, I meant “we” being just you and me, Minhyuk. I care about the group dynamics and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here right now speaking to you. But at some point in time, months ago, you’ve stopped talking to me for I don’t even know for how long, and it only made sense that I spoke with others. We’re practically like strangers now that are only bound to speak together because we’re in the same group.”

 

It feels awfully like a conversation of disbandment and Minhyuk would have never thought that he would have this kind of conversation with Hyungwon. He had trained with Hyungwon before even meeting the others and all of this was making him sensitive as it was something that he has carried very close to his heart.

 

Would a sorry even be enough? It should. Hyungwon should accept that. After all, he was always taught to accept the apologies. They don’t always come by.  
Hyungwon feels the other snuggle into his body even more and for both to be quite slender, Minhyuk was somehow a wave of heat that was making Hyungwon feel conflicted in between having a human heater on him and another that was causing him stress. Not knowing what to do, Hyungwon just closes his eyes.

 

“Hyungwon, you know that was never my intention… it’s just that I’ve always thought that we were so close that we would understand even if we don’t speak. You know what I mean, our tacit conversations because we just understand and get each other. It was a mutual feeling that I had and perhaps at some time, it wasn’t mutual anymore and maybe it’s just me or you and I’m so sorry. I really am.”

Minhyuk slings his leg over Hyungwon’s body and Hyungwon doesn’t know what to make of the sudden “koala” move that Minhyuk’s making in trying to appease him.

“Yea, because forgetting to talk to someone is definitely mutual… I’ve thought we’ve fallen out you know and perhaps now that I think about it, we have fallen out. We have different interest and even if our compliments to each other are genuine, we’re just different pieces of a puzzle.”

“I’ll never forget about you…. I really didn’t mean to. But even when I had searched for you, you would be occupied speaking with others or you would just disappear from the dorms. When the others asked of me to search of you, you wouldn’t be in the locations I thought you would be. And I thought that I knew you so well that when there was even an opportunity, you took it away. So I thought you were avoiding me too and I had thought that perhaps everything was my fault and maybe it is and-

“Shh.”

 

 

 

Hyungwon shushes the other by placing his long index finger over the other’s mouth because at this point, he just needed to process all of this because he knew that no matter how many times that Minhyuk’s going to say sorry, he’ll just feel more soft and tired and all he really wants now is another deep sleep.

 

“Alright. I have mixed feelings about you right now so you’re going to have to let me leave because I want to sleep. I’ll deal with you again later.”

Hyungwon tries to sit up and it’s really hard when the other is still around him pressing him down. He wants to leave really. It somehow feels like the right thing to do even if he’s escaping from his conflicts again because the conflict would always be there. Minhyuk is the conflict and perhaps the deeper conflict of it all was that he was selfish and jealous when the other interacted with others and now he just wants to redeem himself by telling himself that he doesn’t need the other anymore.

“You’re not leaving again.”

Minhyuk’s voice is firm. The other clutches onto his arm and Hyungwon just looks down at the grip the other holds onto him.

“You’re leaving me and our past friendship?”  
“I don’t know Minhyuk. I really don’t know. Now that I’ve found something so peaceful where nothing can distract me anymore and where I can just be myself whether it be selfish or not, I’m just grateful for solving this myself.”

Hyungwon sees the hollowness in Minhyuk’s gaze and it looks desperate. Desperate to keep him and to keep things back to the way it originally was but Hyungwon knows it's not that easy. It’s not revenge but he’s been feeling empty himself for so long that he has forgotten what it feels like not to be. It’s also not easy for him either because what Minhyuk had done to him hurt and to forgive and let go this easily wasn’t something he thought should be done right away.

Hyungwon knows that he’s pandering in the fact that he’s able to see Minhyuk in such a terrible state. How awful of him to see someone he treasured breaking down right in front of him. It’s almost as if he manipulated Minhyuk into agreeing onto the fact that Minhyuk’s the one who broke down their friendship but at the same time, Hyungwon can’t bare to be innocent since he’s not either.

 

“Don’t leave. We’re hurting both of us and you know that. Let’s just give it some time so we can at least try. We’re worth a try. We’re worth so much and I won’t forgive myself if you ever leave me. I’m wrong, I’m sorry….”

They’re broken. He’s broken and everyone else in the room is just as affected. Delicate to speak to, feelings thin like glass, Hyungwon is pending.

 

 

 

 

 

_Will it actually change the truth or the reality of all that has happened?_  
_No._

Then what were the reasons why Hyungwon should reciprocate to the Minhyuk’s wishes and make it be okay again. Can he possibly brainwash himself any further in believing that things can be happy again? Somehow so great and more beneficial to his own plan and solution that he had believed he had curated along the way from looking at too many art exhibits alone, pondering on what is the answer to life, and that relationships with others was honestly just an accessory but one that made such an impact on life.

Why was it that life’s outcomes of happiness could depend so much on one’s relationship to others?

“What would happen if I choose to still leave. Wouldn’t you just move on? Then similarly, if I accept your proposal, is the future really going to be the same? After all, we’ll still grow to drift apart. This isn’t the first time and definitely wouldn’t be the last either. You know that I’ll always be here for you though. I made that promise and it’s still going to happen.”

Hyungwon knows that the other would want to say no. No, because that is the ideal solution and because Minhyuk can be so naive to his own ideas rejecting reality when so caught up on something he considers so important to him. On the other hand, Minhyuk is very frustrated. It seems as if the other is so relaxed on the idea of letting their friendship drift apart; it bothers him to the point where he wants to shake Hyungwon’s body violently to show how much he cares.

Because he cares.  
He was wrong in the past.

 

 

_“How much do you care?”_

It is a whisper. How the words slowly come out Hyungwon’s bitten lips. Care. The word that can be misinterpreted so easily. Not just a simple answer of “yes,” or “no,” but also the extent like a scale of how much it could be rated from 1 to 100.

_“As much as your entire being.”_

Minhyuk’s pale hands grasp for his own cold ones and Hyungwon doesn’t doubt. He wonders if by the next noon, he would be able to see his life again with more love and warmth.


End file.
